Struggling to find a party that represents your views? Not into joke parties? You’re not alone. Sadly, nowadays there are voters in this country with so many opinions that they just can’t find their niche. Whose name do you tick in the ballot box if you believe black people are inferior beings? Who are you supposed to join if you think women are money-grabbing sluts? Isn’t this supposed to be a democracy?!
UKIP’s General Secretary Matthew Richard once claimed that bigots are just as deserving of representation as any other person. So here it is folks, a list of some parties that represent the more… Orthodox voter.
The Christian People’s Alliance:
Here’s one for the religious bigots! Promising to implement a “Christian democracy” (an oxymoron), the CPA hopes to ban all forms of abortion even in cases of rape and incest, halt all stem cell research, and go back to the good old days of the 1300’s when everybody died of preventable diseases.
The CPA also wants to turn the UK into a literal theocracy by making Jesus Christ the head of state and implementing God’s law the basis for a government. It’s not clear how much of the Bible will replace existing laws, and the CPA has yet to confirm whether mass-murdering the first-born sons of Egypt will make it into the new British constitution.
Unfortunately, the CPA failed to connect with any significant voter base in the last general election, and even turned off some Christians, but the party’s five minutes of fame came ahead of the 2014 EU elections, when party leader Sid Cordle had some choice words about same-sex marriage.
Speaking to the BBC’s Daily Politics, Cordle claimed that allowing gay marriage in the UK could bring about Biblical-style floods, and said the storms in the UK at the time were proof that God was demonstrating his “anger” at the sinfulness of gay sex.
If elected, the Christian People’s Alliance will presumably do away with the Royal Meteorological Society and just consult the nearest gay person for a weather update.
Justice for Men & Boys (and the women who love them):
Not religious but like the sexist parts of the Bible? If you answered ‘yes’ and you’re a follower of the Kinder, Küche, Kirche movement, you may want to consider the recently formed J4MB Party. Party founder Mike Buchanan is a former Conservative Party consultant who left in 2013 to fight what he calls the “exclusion of men” from society, “vile” feminists, and lesbians who use sperm banks. That’s a very specific moral crusade you’ve got there Mike.
The J4MB Party’s website is a veritable smorgasbord of anti-feminist and misogynistic blogposts, and the party seems completely unconcerned by the plight of gay and ethnic minority men, surprise surprise. Gay and ethnic minority women can apparently fuck right off too. While women are discouraged from being candidates, they are welcome to serve biscuits and drinks at party meetings while the men do the serious stuff.
The party is dedicated to fighting the false rape allegation “epidemic“, and brave Buchanan is determined not to let official rape statistics or data on false allegations get in the way of his ideology. Most interesting of all, Buchanan’s blog lends credence to people who think having female quotas in corporations is like demanding that a certain number of white people compete in the Olympics.
That’s right folks – gender equality is the same as white supremacy.
But if sexism isn’t your thing and you’re more into ethnic cleansing, look no further than Liberty GB. First formed in 2013, this party went unnoticed until the 2014 European elections when it gained notoriety for publishing leaflets that outlined a particularly repugnant “10 point plan” to oust Islam and politically correct lefties from the UK.
Liberty GB also takes a stand against the wider “Islamification” of Europe and the oppression of the “indigenous” British people, and they draw parallels between the threat of Islam in the 21st century and the threat of Nazism in the 1930’s. They also think Enoch Powell was a national hero for his defense of “white” Britons, but they claim not to discriminate on the basis of religion or race. Funny that.
Unlike most far-right racist parties, Liberty GB’s leader at least has the honesty to admit to his bigotry, if only sarcastically. Party leader Paul Weston issued a video in 2013 entitled “My Name Is Paul Weston and I Am a Racist”, where he argued that allowing immigrants into the country was an attempt to exterminate the “native English” population. In the same video, Paul claimed that if defending your country is racist, he’s a racist.
Guess you’re a racist then Paul.
If you prefer a more grassroots approach to your racism, you might want to try Britain First instead. What began as a Facebook pressure group before rapidly mutating into a political party, Britain First was started in 2011 by an anti-abortion activist and handful of former BNP members who were sick of waiting for Nick Griffin to do anything significant.
Like the National Front (see below), Britain First has an active vigilante wing which dedicates itself to performing masked “Christian patrols” for the public good. These patrols involve harassing British Muslims in their own homes and undertaking self-described “invasions” of Mosques in order to distribute Bibles, because that’s what Jesus would do.
Britain First routinely uses moral outrage as a way to raise funds, displaying images of animal cruelty accompanied by a “DONATE NOW” link, and exploiting the Rotherham sex abuse scandal as part of its election campaign. Questions have since been raised about the way Britain First collects money, which is ironic considering they formed BF to get away from the corruption of the BNP. The apple never falls far from the rotten tree I guess.
Britain First also used murdered Fusilier Lee Rigby in its 2014 election campaign, whose family publicly distanced themselves from Islamophobic groups after his death. Rigby’s family urged Britain First not to put “Remember Lee Rigby” on electoral ballots to get votes, but the group ignored them and did it anyway. Instead of apologizing, the party threw the Electoral Commission under the bus and made them apologize instead.
Stay classy Britain First.
The Communist Party of Great Britain (Marxist-Leninist):
Most of the parties on this list have been far-right in their approach to politics, but if you prefer left-wing stupidity as opposed to right-wing bigotry, look no further than the CPGB-ML. Hanlon’s Razor is the best way to describe this party if you’re feeling forgiving, or “the fuck is wrong with you people?” if you’re not.
Either deliberately stupid or wilfully misguided, the Communist Party’s leader Harpal Brar once claimed that Muammar al-Gaddafi’s human rights abusing dictatorship was the “only government that benefits the Libyan people”. He also gave a speech in North Korea where he said he felt “inspired” by the country’s ability to repel Western imperialism, and even once claimed that the Ukrainian Holodomor genocide was a Nazi conspiracy to defame the glorious Soviet Union.
The party in general doesn’t fare much better. While Syrian dictator Bashar al-Assad was gassing his own people in 2012, the party passed a motion which condemned Western intervention and included the lines: “Victory to President Assad! Death to imperialism!” The party also thinks Joseph Stalin and Mao Zedong were heroes, despite killing around 70 million people between them. Oops.
If we’re to believe the Marxist-Leninists, brutally repressing, gassing, starving and disappearing millions of your own people is excusable if a) you have a branch of communism named after you, or b) you’ve rejected free market economics.
The National Front:
I understand all of these parties may not be to your fancy. If you’re not overtly concerned about evil feminists or ungodly stem cell research, perhaps you’ll consider joining the neo-Nazi National Front instead, a real-life manifestation of ‘Combo’ from This Is England.
Another one to file under “Muslims will kill us all” category, the NF is best suited for old-school hardcore racists who think the kids just don’t do white supremacy right any more. The NF first rose to prominence in the 70’s and 80’s after its members participated in race riots and joined rallies which demonized black people by accusing them of being thieves, murderers and paedophiles. Even though a high number of Afro-Caribbean immigrants living in the UK fought for the Commonwealth during WWII, they were among the NF’s favourite targets.
While other racist groups at least try to hide their extremism, the NF openly calls for a system of racial purity in the UK, and believes in turning areas with high numbers of ethnic minorities into open-air prisons. The party also believes in “white” culture and forming closer ties with “white” nations. In short, you can always tell if you’re looking at a NF policy because it’ll start with the word “white” and may well end with “don’t let the blackies convince you otherwise!”
After the BNP was forced to admit non-white members in 2010, the NF experienced a short-lived surge in membership. So if you don’t think the BNP is racist enough and you don’t want to sit next to Mr. Singh at the party conference, you’ll feel right at home with foul-smelling NF skinheads instead.
Aside from the typical anti-immigration and anti-EU policies, the NF would also recriminalize homosexuality, make it illegal to spread gay “propaganda”, and classify abortion as a “crime against humanity”. But stop the presses, the white supremacists have a transport policy!