Supporters of Bernie Sanders, you just got owned.

To all supporters of Senator Bernie Sanders,

I have spent the last few months on the other side of the Atlantic, watching the 2016 election cycle with great interest and delight. So many candidates, so little time! Your candidate has gone from a virtual unknown to the standard-bearer of democratic socialism in America. Your campaign has consistently chipped away at Hillary Clinton’s lead, defied pollster expectations, and rallied thousands to its cause.

You’ve had your ups. You’ve had your downs. By all accounts, you’ve had a good run and you’ve tried your best. But now, it’s time to pack up and go home. Your campaign simply cannot withstand the awesome smack-down it just received at the hands of Thomas J. Donahue, President and CEO of the U.S. Chamber of Commerce.

Donahue has published an article so well-researched and fact-checked that it threatens to undo not only your campaign, but the hopes and dreams of socialists across the country. Nay, across the world. Donahue is a Randian hero, rescuing America from the clutches of nasty peasants and their money-grubbing tendencies. And he just ended your campaign.

Don’t you know, supporters of Sanders? Donahue says America’s economy is the “envy of the world”, all thanks to free enterprise and the absolute absence of socialism. Its glorious mass incarceration rate (highest in the world, thank you very much), its rampant income inequality, its unapologetic reliance on fossil fuels – all this is thanks to the hard-working lobbyists and CEOs of your country, not the pesky Leninist you’re backing. You can’t possibly hope to compete with free enterprise and the wonders it brings to prison owners and Wall Street executives everywhere.

Not only is America the envy of the world, but its client states and vassals across the globe are too. Donahue tells us that free market enterprises have had a “similarly positive and powerful impact” beyond America’s shores, especially in places like Iraq, where the decades-long nation-building exercise has traded the lives of over a million civilians and over four thousand American troops for better access to international markets. If that ain’t a bargain, I don’t know what is!

But yet, you poor ignorant fools fail to realize, don’t you? Socialism “inevitably leads to misery and poverty” wherever it is tried, like Sweden and Denmark, where high wages, viable welfare systems, technological advances and low levels of corruption are mere coincidence. If only these countries would embrace free enterprise more! It could do wonders!

Do you backwards heathens want to know the best part about Donahue’s article? It doesn’t even mention your candidate by name. That’s how mad his skills are, how awe-inspiring his article is. Not only does his article get by without facts, case studies, or research (hell, it doesn’t even need examples), but it doesn’t need to mention the misguided Leninist it’s actually talking about. Now that’s what it means to be American.

Part of me feels sorry for you. Your use of logic, reason and argument are useless in the face of the Margaret Thatcher quote that Donahue ends his article on: “The problem with socialism is that you eventually run out of other people’s money”. Take that libruls!

Pack up, go home, and let free enterprise do a number on you. It’s worked out so well in the past, and if you would only stop resisting, it could finish the job.


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